Writer's Block

Today is the first time that I've wanted to do a blog entry and didn't really have anything to say. I pride myself on always having something to say, sometimes funny, sometimes intelligent, sometimes utter nonsense. Writing a blog is different though, because when you have the time to put something down and actually think about what you're saying, you want to make the most of it. People (myself included) don't always realize how powerful words can be. I've enjoyed reading - HA Gotcha! I don't really think words are powerful. And, in case you haven't noticed, I'm not overly concerned about what I'm saying. Most of the time, I'm actually thinking about lucious hooters when I write my blog. Actually, I think about lucious hooters a lot. And fuck, you should see the picture of Jessica Alba I found for my desktop background. Jessica Alba is sooo hot.

I may be shallow and horny, but at least I'm honest.

The End

Man vs. Woman

After reflecting on my blog entry yesterday, I thought of another point. The main reason that there is ever any disagreement between men and women is that we view sex very differently. When it comes to sex, men are like firefighters, it's always an emergency and we can be ready in five seconds. For women, sex is more like fire itself. It's very hot, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

This is also the reason that men don't have platonic friendships with women. The women might be thinking to themselves, "I have lots of guys friends that I've never slept with". But to a man, a woman friend is basically a woman we haven't fucked yet, for whatever reason. Obviously there are exceptions to the rule, which can result in friendship with privileges. For those of you that have never had a "special friend", this is when a man and a woman decide that they would like to engage in a sexual relationship, while maintaining a strict friendship. Unfortunately, more often than not, one of the parties develops stronger feelings than the other, and the relationship ends, sometimes with the aid of the police and a restraining order.

Now, you're probably asking yourself, "How can I use this information to my advantage?" The answer is, "If I knew that, I'd be with some hot blonde right now instead of writing this damn blog" Remember this: women use sex to get love and men use love to get sex. If that isn't evidence that god has a sick sense of humor, I don't know what is. I'd also again like to set the record straight. I am not a womanizer, nor do I condone telling a woman that you love her, just to get her into the sack.

Happy hunting.

Rules that guys wished women knew.

I love women. Let me clarify that statement. I love women most of the time. Anyone that has ever spent a reasonable amount of time with a woman can agree on one thing: Chicks Are Fucked. Period. I'm sure women would probably say the same thing about men, but this is my blog and I am a man, hence I'll be discussing some things that women need to know in order to get along with me.

1) Don't cut your hair. Ever.
2) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask me.
3) I own approx 5 pairs of shoes. Don't ask me which pair out of 50 looks best on you.
4) Dogs are better than cats, period.
5) No your cat is not special. It's just like every other cat.
6) If you don't let me ogle other women, how can I know how beautiful you are?
7) Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
8) Any outfit you choose is fine. Really.
9) Don't ask me what I'm thinking about unless you want to talk about boobs or hockey.

This is by no means an all-inclusive list. And let me also state for the record that women are a source of great happiness to me. I simply thought it would be great if they could just get a handle on a few things that would make all our lives a little simpler. If anyone out there can add on to this list, please feel free.

Save the Great White Shark

I don't know about you, but when I think of christmas, I think of sharks. Really big Great White Sharks. Therefore I thought I would share some information about everyone's favorite animal. Great White sharks have really sharp teeth and they like to bite things. They can swim really fast (much faster than you), and they can easily breach the water, which they do in the pursuit of prey, such as a surfer cleverly disguised as a delicious seal. Great Whites have been known to grow up to 6.4 metres in length (that's approx 20ft for all you americans out there), and can weigh upwards of 1500kg (do your own goddamn conversion). Contrary to popular belief, Great Whites very rarely eat people. In fact, most attacks are a case of mistaken identity, although I'm sure that's small consolation to a shark attack victim that has his legs severed or gets eviscerated by mistake. Unfortunately, sharks don't have hands, so they can only "feel" things with their mouth. I know what you're thinking Newman, and I've already been down that road so forget it. Due to their fearsome reputation, they have been hunted to the brink of extinction. They are, in fact protected by law in a number of countries. We all need to recognize the importance that Great White sharks have in the ocean's ecosystem. They are apex predators, which means that they have no natural predators. If they are allowed to become extinct, it's possible that certain species of aquatic mammals, such as seals and dolphins, may try to take over the world. There will be nothing to stop them in their quest for total global domination, and I for one will not sit idly by while our apathy and ignorance make slaves of us all. Does anyone else here think that maybe the dolphins are pretty fucking pissed at us for having to live at West Edmonton Mall. Fuck, I worked in that mall and I don't blame them. Anyway, I digress. If you'd like to make a difference, I'd be happy to provide more informa- fuck whatever. One person can't make a difference, don't bother. Just send your donations to me and I'll ensure that they're put to good use.

One more day and it will all be over

Last night was business as usual as far as fridays go. We got off work early since it was the day before the day before christmas. Newman started at Crush at about 2pm. I, however had the sense to come home and have a nap for a few hours. My plans were temporarily thwarted by the dishwasher and I found myself being woken up by the buzzing it made. After I finally got some much needed rest, I joined Newman at the bar and had a few drinks. Then we had some drinks. And then we had some more. Soon, Jason showed up and he bought us a few drinks. I think you get the point. When I finally realized that I was totally shellacked, I looked at my watch and it was 11 oclock. I'm not sure if I was disgusted with myself or totally impressed for being that drunk, that early. I think it was the latter. After all, it takes a lot of skill to keep focused on the task at hand, while at the same time entertaining friends and well-wishers, not to mention the constant distraction of the female serving staff. All in all a good time was had. I got to visit with Ashlea for a bit, which made me happy. And we took the madness back to my place, where we had a few more beers before we called it a night.

And so today is the 24th. I'm going to Edmonton to spend some time with the family and then I'll be back on sunday. I can't wait for this all to be over so I can get on with New Years.

The most wonderful time of the year...

Another day closer to christmas. And in case anyone noticed, I didn't capitalize christmas. I refuse to acknowledge the holiday season as anything more than a good excuse to whip out some mistletoe and make out with sexy women. Now that's what I call a holiday. Back to christmas. So far this has been one of the best I can remember. Since I completely opted out of it, I haven't had to brave the malls. I haven't stressed about last minute shopping or how much money I've spent. I got out of retail recently so I don't have to work a 14 hr shift on boxing day. Come to think of it, I have a lot to be thankful for this holiday season. Now if I could only find some mistletoe, I'd really be in business, because let me tell you, there are some beautiful women in Calgary (you know who you are). Just in case some of you might think that all I think about is getting women into the sack, you're wrong. I also think about how to get them in the sack with their hot friend. Just kidding. I actually believe in an honest, caring, monogamous relationship. But since I'm single, it wouldn't hurt to have a little fun would it?
Here's to good friends, beautiful women, and stiff drinks. Probably not in that order though.

I got that beat

A man is drinking all afternoon and suddenly pukes all over his shirt.
He slobbers, "My wife is gonna kill me,"
The bartender says, "Put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket and tell your wife that a drunk threw up on you and then gave you the twenty bucks to clean your shirt."
He agrees it's a great idea. When he gets home, he walks in, tells her the story and hands her the money.
She says, "But there's forty dollars here."
He says, "Yeah, he shit in my pants too."

Next time just pay the fucking ticket...

Mondays fucking suck. Basically you're as far away from the weekend as you can get and traffic is usually the worst. If you ask me, everyday should be friday so I can go drinking at Crush. However , I didn't go to work today as I had a few things that HAD to get done. Later in the afternoon, Tapper and I went to court so he could make a feeble attempt at fighting his jaywalking ticket. I know what you're thinking: Who the fuck gets a jaywalking ticket? Exactly. So Ryan was hanging his hopes on the cop's poor grammar. He wrote on the ticket that Ryan was guilty of "failing to cross the street in an illegal manner", which of course is perfectly fine. Only thing is, Ryan lost his copy of the ticket and the cop changed the original. The crown said that poor grammar isn't just cause to throw out the ticket anyway, so the poor guy not only had to pay the ticket, but he wasted his afternoon. Come to think of it, he wasted my afternoon too. The bastard. Fuck, I'll get him.

Weather is warming a bit. I can totally get into these chinooks. I put off doing laundry so I should at least go to the gym so I can say I wasn't totally lazy. Plus I always feel much better after the gym. By the way Jessica, if you're reading this at work: HAHA I'm at home! But thanks for buying me breakfast. POW!!

He sees you when you're sleeping...

I love sundays becasue there just isn't any better day for relaxing and doing nothing. I feel sorry for anyone that has to work because IMHO it should be illegal. Jess and I went out to crush after I got back from my xmas party last night. Newman was there and he was already smashed, although he had just cause. Being the fantastic friend that I am, I joined him in his alcoholic fun. For anyone that has never been to crush, you need to go. It's a nice bar, it has great food, however the real reason that we go there is the hot fucking women that work there. Especially Ashlea, who was working last night. Working on looking good that is. Plus she always has funny stories to tell me about her off work adventures. Good times. Anyway, I woke up at 930 this morning, so I think I'll hit the gym before football starts this afternoon. And grocery shopping too. I love grocery shopping. I love food in general. 6 more sleeps til Santa comes. Maybe if I'm good, I'll wake up and find a certain blonde bartender under my tree.

Saturday

Today is Saturday which means another christmas party. I'm not really excited about going but if I don't go, I'll probably be wondering if I would have missed out on a good time. That's kinda fucked up. Free meal though.
Did some shopping with Jess today which was fun although she seems to think that she can boss me around, which obviously she can't. HAHA. I'll be pretty happy when xmas is over, as I really don't enjoy the "holiday season". It's totally forced and it seems like society makes you feel bad if you're single. That being said, it's not like I'm feeling sorry for myself becasue I do have a lot to be thankful for. I have good friends, I have my health, a warm apartment to come home to, plus lots of kickass records.
I think I'll go and have a few drinks.

Britney

Britney is so fucking hot!

There's A First Time For Everything

I had never even heard of a blog a few months ago. Now here I am with one of my own. I was never sold on the idea because I never thought that I had anything to say, or if I did I never thought anyone else would care to read about it. However, after reading friends' blogs I changed my tune. Besides, if I don't like it then I don't have to do it. I'm not very good with computers so hopefully I'll still be able to have a cool looking blog that people will want to read cause we all know that style is more important than substance. Take this picture for example. It has nothing at all to do with me, or blogs, or really anything but DAMN! Anyway I'm hungry so I'm going to eat. Hopefully I'll have something intelligent to talk about next time.