A change of pace
It seems that most of my recent blog entries have either been moping and complaining about Ft McMurray or teaching Newman a well-needed lesson about sharks etc. I thought that maybe everyone might better enjoy a topic that is more exciting and certain to evoke thought. A topic that will have people talking around the water cooler and losing sleep. What is this topic you ask? Me, what else? Without further ado I present "A Collection of Anecdotes About Cory"
1) When I was 5 my parents decided to pave a driveway. Before the concrete could be poured, a foundation had to be made. That meant dirt and sand, which to a 5 year old was pretty sweet. I invited all the neighbourhood kids over to play. During the excitement I got a bit out of hand and began swearing like a truck driver, showing off to my friends of course. My mom heard me and we'll just say she wasn't impressed with my recent mastery of the english language. What my mom didn't know was that I was saying "fug" which is perfectly fine. She didn't believe me and my protests fell on deaf ears. Fuggin bullshit if you ask me.
2) When I was about 9 my parents participated in a fund raiser for church. They brought in cases and cases of apples and stored them in our garage. People would buy the apples which were marked up and profit was made etc, etc. You probably understand basic buying and selling. Anyway my parents stored the money in a coffee can in the kitchen (I'm sure you know where this story is going), and I got the idea that I could "borrow" some in order to buy porno mags from my friend who I believe was selling his brother's collection. After making the purchase, I stashed the magazines in one of my dresser drawers. Of course my parents discovered the missing money and they decided to search for it. Where do you think they looked? That's right, and they took my fucking magazines. My dad probably still has them, I mean you don't throw shit like that away. Needless to say I didn't learn my lesson.
3) When I was in grade 6, I had a girlfriend named Sandy (foreshadowing perhaps?) and a friend named Jason. At the end of the school year we took a class field trip to the roller rink (yes I'm that old). Before the trip, all the boys would go around making sure that they had a girl that they could hold hands with whilst roller skating. I of course had Sandy, or so I thought. My cad of a friend Jason decided that he wanted Sandy for himself. Unfortunately Sandy liked Jason too. What a tramp. She had been my girlfriend for over a month. I went and watched her shitty softball games and this was the thanks I got. To top it all off, I didn't have enough time to find another girl to roller skate with. I was alone. Well not totally alone, I hung out with the other losers that didn't have girlfriends. Hopefully my pain and suffering wasn't for naught. The lesson that I learned is this: never trust your friends.
I hope after reading my stories, that you the reader are a little more patient with me in the future. Now you have an idea what I've gone through in my life. My experiences have made me the person I am today and hopefully I've earned your respect if not your servitude.
1) When I was 5 my parents decided to pave a driveway. Before the concrete could be poured, a foundation had to be made. That meant dirt and sand, which to a 5 year old was pretty sweet. I invited all the neighbourhood kids over to play. During the excitement I got a bit out of hand and began swearing like a truck driver, showing off to my friends of course. My mom heard me and we'll just say she wasn't impressed with my recent mastery of the english language. What my mom didn't know was that I was saying "fug" which is perfectly fine. She didn't believe me and my protests fell on deaf ears. Fuggin bullshit if you ask me.
2) When I was about 9 my parents participated in a fund raiser for church. They brought in cases and cases of apples and stored them in our garage. People would buy the apples which were marked up and profit was made etc, etc. You probably understand basic buying and selling. Anyway my parents stored the money in a coffee can in the kitchen (I'm sure you know where this story is going), and I got the idea that I could "borrow" some in order to buy porno mags from my friend who I believe was selling his brother's collection. After making the purchase, I stashed the magazines in one of my dresser drawers. Of course my parents discovered the missing money and they decided to search for it. Where do you think they looked? That's right, and they took my fucking magazines. My dad probably still has them, I mean you don't throw shit like that away. Needless to say I didn't learn my lesson.
3) When I was in grade 6, I had a girlfriend named Sandy (foreshadowing perhaps?) and a friend named Jason. At the end of the school year we took a class field trip to the roller rink (yes I'm that old). Before the trip, all the boys would go around making sure that they had a girl that they could hold hands with whilst roller skating. I of course had Sandy, or so I thought. My cad of a friend Jason decided that he wanted Sandy for himself. Unfortunately Sandy liked Jason too. What a tramp. She had been my girlfriend for over a month. I went and watched her shitty softball games and this was the thanks I got. To top it all off, I didn't have enough time to find another girl to roller skate with. I was alone. Well not totally alone, I hung out with the other losers that didn't have girlfriends. Hopefully my pain and suffering wasn't for naught. The lesson that I learned is this: never trust your friends.
I hope after reading my stories, that you the reader are a little more patient with me in the future. Now you have an idea what I've gone through in my life. My experiences have made me the person I am today and hopefully I've earned your respect if not your servitude.
posted by Unknown at 6:01 p.m.
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